Wednesday, December 11, 2013

'Milla's Diary, week ending December 11, 2013

 NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.

Need to catch up or know who is who? Check out the first installment of 'Milla's Diary.

Copyright protected.

December 5 , 2013

Late night call from Yummy freaked out about hearing of Mandela's death during gala priemer of a movie on his life. Spooked her, poor thing. Really, I had to ask Dear One, where was HER mother at a time like this? Always there if there's a photo op with the Boy or the Mother-in-law? Probably getting Mandela party favors to add to her African Drumming Party packets or something. I could hear the Boy dealing with Baby in the background and finally heard the first salvo in the parenting war: "Nanny?" he said rather forcefully. Yummy put down the phone. "Oh honestly. Your father is more use....." She's right. Dear One loves babies and does well with them unless they drool on his suit. Loves potty jokes, too, especially the ones where someone shoots wee on the person doing the nappy change.

December 6, 2013

Charge of the Light Brigaide time as we all had to pull together to get Dear One off to South Africa. The valet has the mourning attire ready to go at all times for all seasons and climates so that part wasn't bad. The official car whisked him off and on his way. Ruckus in the press over the Mother-in-law not going, but it is generally Dear One who does these things. And the old dear is nearly 90 hereself so lets put it all to bed please......

With Dear One off I had a lovely long catch up on the Street. It DOES happen that I get weeks behind when we are involved in the Royal Round and when one adds Dear One's birthday and Christmas and overseas visits it does have to be ignored from time-to-time. So the dogs and I had a lovely cuddle in bed and watched literally WEEKS (I did fast forward a good bit). Several lovely g & ts and a fabulous curry from the take-away made it even better. Finished it off with a pint of Haagen Das Chunky Monkey.  I know... I know....all that spa time and weight loss for the India trip....I know.....

December 7, 2013

With Dear One off I looked over the Christmas shopping for HIS family.

Christmas List: FAMILY
M-I-L faux Hermes scarf found at Save the Children jumble sale by daughter. (It's the  thought...)

Pip  "Girl of the Month" pants--a set of 12 and they strip as the body heats up! What a hoot! (Given PRIVATELY). Book on fine yachts found at Church 'Bring and Buy' sale several years ago as gift for Daddy but lost and now found. Might as well get my 50p for it.
Dear One  God knows

The Boy: Complete Bon Jovi cd collection
Yummy:  Dear One and I are giving her a lovely suite of his Granny's jewelry. Pushy will have hives. Can't wait.
OTH  She's easy--some new piece of tack
The Equerry: New purse to hold?  Well, let's see? He's an admiral.....hmmm, but married to OTH...?? Oh, there's that new version of Boggle--surely that will do? He can play with the grands.
OTH son: Renew beer of the month club.
OTH d-in-law That hair thing on tv (its on her Amazon wish list)
OTH gran 1  White gloves, hand bag and fake flowers for dress up box to be play Great-Granny.
OTH gran 2 Fisher price cell phone (OTH suggested it)
Randy: Certificate of transfer of my air miles Season 4 of The Bill (found UNOPENED) at Charity jumble sale.
Randy d #1: Thigh-high hooker tights with red lace tops and coordinating garter belt and thong (well, they ARE on her Amazon wish list!)
Randy d #2: Tat gift card won at Bingo night down the pub when we were in Scotland. Excuse for her to go see  Granny next summer
Edith: Season 4 of Glee
Mrs. Edith: Gift card for the salon that does super-discreet electrolisis
Edith prop child  1: seconding Dear One's annual offer to fix child's eye; Logo-ed eventing jumper and signed photo of William Fox-Pitt because she does love her pony and riding, but no one else realizes just how crucial that first crush can be on picking the RIGHT husband.. Such a lamb, really.
Edith prop child 2 Supply of ritlan. Despicable Me II dvd (On his Amazon wish list)
Cousin L   Case of fabulous wine we found in Italy last year. Really lovely and really wish I'd bought some for all the good men in the family, but son liked it so I gave the rest to him. (Blood is thicker...)
Cousin L's wife Aroma therapy gift card given me last year by Cousin G's wife (well, it's good till 2016)
Cousin L's child # 1  iTunes gift card (On his Amazon wish list) [See also L's Sis kids]
Cousin Ls child #2  Mani/pedi gift card given to me last birthday by sons m-i-l (good thru next year)
L's sis (joint gift from both of us) Smallish suite of art deco jewelry set with rubies originally purchased by Uncle David for you know who, but bought back at ridiculous price to make Pushy mad because they are worth far more than any of the Uncle David jewels SHE has.
L Sis's kids: Fabulous tickets for the Lord's Test AND for that sold out concert every boy at Eton wants to go to. (Got one for L's son too. Love them all--such lambs--Mother-in-law chipped in. Good lads and they must be teased to death for the Paige uniform.)
Cousin G  Handwritten letter thanking him for being so ungodly dull discreet that no one knows if he does anything naughty. He'll hang it in the loo I imagine. He's a good sort and likes fun, even if he wasn't a soldier--had enough of it in the Eton rifles I imagine. Also another tiny skateboard for his cute collection in the under-the-stairs loo. Such fun!
Cousin G's wife: Handwoven alpaca pashamina bought for full outrageous price (tags will be attached) to make Pushy go greener than the Grinch
G's kids/grands-- Amazon gift cards for the adults,  ToysRUs cards for the grands.
Cousin K:  Bottle of whiskey
Cousin K's wife: Print Dear One bought in Italy that didn't go with the spare bedroom at Granny's bolt hole
Cousin Ks Kids/Grands same as G's family
Cousin K's sis Fabulous silk kimono bought at exorbitant price from some fair trade charity of Dear One's in case Pushy isn't green enough from gift to Cousin G's wife
K's Sis Kids/Grands Same as G's family
Cousin Mr Pushy Two bottles of whiskey. He's a lamb even if he did marry her.
Pushy: Case of Dear One's Cat piss tasting Organic Free Trade Fair Labor wine
Pips Cousins who gave the interview on SWMNBN:  A Cruise to Ibizia to get them out of the country safely for a while.

December 8, 2013

As if there weren't enough reminders of his legacy this week, Downton dropped a bomb and dear Great-Uncle David will be part of the Christmas Special. Probably we have to ask the Mother-in-law if we can watch it. She's rather anti (understatement of the century) on anyone or anything who romanticizes him. He spurned her Mummy, you see, long before that American woman came on the scene. Dear One of the mindset that if we watch it at Sandringham on the dvr and fastforward thru the Uncle David bits it might just fly. Conference call on this with the Boy, Yummy,  Edith and the wife and some cousin. United front may see us through. If not, I'll watch it at one of my children's homes later! Can't wait! Thank goodness they've said no one dies this time! I'm done with weepy Downton Christmases.

Spent a lovely time soaking in the tub, dogs asleep on the bath mat, reading a Barbara Cartland signed by the author and given to Mummy donkey's years ago. So relaxing. Barbara was flamboyant, but she understood romance, didn't she? One thing SWMNBN and I shared--in fact we discussed them before the ex and I split. All girls together sort of thing at a party with another wife rigid with boredom as the men retold they party pieces on the other side of the drinks tray.

Made Dear One phone his sister (the OTH) and wish her and The Equerry happy anniversary. Her first wedding was on Dear One's birthday. Bit tricky celebrating for a while. She was a bit to thrilled over the divorce, you see.

December 9, 2013

OMG! as the fourth form would say. The tabs got wind of my love of Spanx! But, really, saying I wore them for Dear One? Of course not! I'm simply an old broad who's had two children and doesn't get to spend enough time on horseback anymore. God yes I wear them! And, after those unfortunate bathing suit photos the paps got on my last cruise, I may beg them to do swimwear-shapewear! Now, I shouldn't admit this, but Dear One did discover the opposite sex in the 50s--especially in Nanny's mail order catalogs. The lingerie sections. So, a girdle can, how shall I put this? Ignite things? Well, sometimes.

Take for instance the other night. We were flipping thru the Netflix queue and stumbled up on Edward Fox film we'd not seen. Now he's a bit suspect since he did that Mini-series in the 1980s about Uncle David (and did it well, too, I might add). Well the film, it was something like  "A Month by the Lake"--set in Italy in 1939. Well, Dear One, as you might expect, had command of the telly flipper (think scepter) and when we got to the scene where Vanessa Redgrave (in God awful 1990s upper middle class suburban wifey wear as though running the village fete) goes panting after Edward Fox and interrupts an amorous couple by opening the wrong room......well. Dear One all but licked his lips. The lovely lass in the embrace was in a very, very businesslike all-in-one job and it was slightly unzipped on the side! Very racy! He rewound that bit about 40 times before I made him stop. Since he went so mad over it I refused to cooperate and dig one out of my locked lingerie drawer. Had to settle for an old Regimental PT shirt of the ex's and my fraying My Little Pony knickers. Wasn't impressed, I can tell you. He skulked back downstairs and probably gave himself whiplash rewinding that bit till the sun came back up!

December 10, 2013

That sweet American chap, Nash Rambler, has done a marvelous little story on my Great Granny! What a lamb! Dear One does enjoy it when we play 'Lords and Ladies' of an evening, to go back in time and be Great-Great Grandpapa and Great-Granny--especially at Christmas since we're at Sandringham then! Nothing says fun like layers of petticoats and a corset, I always say! And he does wear a frock coat very nicely, I must say! Of course it's a bit rough getting the staff to play along. We like to do it when the Mother-in-law and Pip have gone off to the stud or the kennels, but a 12 course lunch takes TIME. Thank goodness they're so jolly old and slow now! It really does MAKE our Chirstmas! Especially when he wears the long red and green silk drawers that go with the Great Grandpapa Costume! What a hoot!

In the evening of course we, and the Boy, were given the annual Family Remembrance Day talk. We put on our black poppies and gathered round the speaker phone as the Mother-in-law reminded us of the gravity of Great-Uncle David's ridiculous decision to abdicate. It must NEVER, EVER happen again. The Boy tried to ring off with Baby crying but Granny wouldn't wear it. I heard Mrs. D-to-M in the background trying to shush him and could just make out Yummy on her exercise bike in the background before he remembered the "mute" key. Pip, too, came on to add weigh to the discussion, just in case an 87 year old Monarch with Ermine weighing more than her husband wasn't enough I suppose. Point taken, but Boy phoned later a bit cross. It was really, in his opinion, little different than a Sandhurst  mate resigning because the wife couldn't go the distance as a Forces Wife. I ask you. Dear One knew his life depended upon ratting the Boy out and did his Duty. Boy called back yet again to say he had been wrong. Don't cross Granny. Just don't. Message received and for Good measure she texted Haza the same thing. Just Don't. Photos with no pants we can live thru. Giving up throne for idiotic stick woman--no. Just no.

More Royal humor: What if Charles HAD married Camilla in the 1970s?

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