Wednesday, December 18, 2013

'Milla's Diary, week ending 18th December 2013

NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.

Need to catch up or know who is who? Check out the first installment of 'Milla's Diary.

 12 December 2013

While I can certainly sympathize with the Mother-in-law having been, if not 'hacked' then 'intercepted' when speaking on the mobile, but I ask you? Getting icy about some protection officers munching her special nut mix? Now whose lost a few notches in the press? Not Dear One! Pip rang me to say how bloody she'd been since it hit the press. Claims he'd not touch a single nut--get his arm torn off and have to watch it fed to the corgi's if he did, he reckons. She's very partial to her munchies. Apparently she doesn't share with the corgis or the horses either. Pip finds this fair. I can see his logic. Why share with the husband of nearly a century, but not with a pack of nasty little brutes  not the dogs?  Personally, though I'd think the odd handful to her Pony would do much harm (she does still RIDE people--she just speaks the archaic language of her mother's class and day and says "Pony" riding when it's a type of pony and "horse" when it's a horse. She also would not say a dog could be called a "she" or "female" she'd use that other word).

13 December 2013

Haza rang, very chuffed (and rightly so!) to say his team had got to the South Pole. He really is a lamb, is Haza. Dear One very proud, I can tell you. He and I opened some bubbly to celebrate, but the bubbles went up his nose or down his throat wrong and it was ONE doing what? Yes, of course! Cleaning up the sick! Butler had the evening off (naturally), Under-butler was hired out to one of the cousins (though when we'll see the check only the Fey can say), other staff have a clause against sick-mopping I understand. Crafty union Johnnies! So with that as a fun start to our evening, you can bet there was not watching the Street or listening to the Grands nursery school Carols Concert on the iPad. Nope. Not this evening. No, I had to ring Nanny Whatsit on the mobile and have her talk Dear One through his tummy troubles. My fault you see. My suggestion to order bubbly. Nanny, I'm sure saw it his way--always does.

Her Christmas gift from the Boy is to mind His boy during Christmas dinner! Downton holdover that the old Dear is, she cried! Loved it. Gets a snap and everything. It'll be on her Facebook within minutes and not squawk one will the Palace press office issue, mark my words!  After dinner she's promised to read HER children (the four, no spouses, though I can't really see the OTH buying into this--perhaps the Equerry will go for her?) Dicken's Christmas Carol like they used to when each was small. Jolly mugs proper cups and saucers of REAL cocoa and proper Eiderdowns against the cold with a white pram shawl like the old days around Edith. Lovely. Glad I'll be in a near alcoholic coma by then! I'll stick to the sport on telly at full volume with Pip. The Mother-in-law peeps from the door frame to watch the children and nanny as she used to. I do agree though that family traditions are Essential. For years I took the children to a burger bar every year on the way back from school. And I can tell you there was no having to clean up sick from it, either. Not in an Army family. Seems so long ago now. Might have to run the Grands to McDonalds sometime soon. Start our own tradition, well beyond putting money in the mutual fund account to pay for their prep and public schools of course. So important when families are young to have the support of parents, I always say. Mummy helped me--sacrificed the best maid she had to get me started into proper dinner parties. One can't eat spag bog all one's life.

 14 December 2013

Like the 11th, this is another Family Day of Gloom. Thankfully it looks like the OTH's daughter will make it through the day without delivering her baby prematurely. The Prince Consort died on the 14th, as did Pip's Great-Grandmother, Princess Alice (and an old coot cousin, Maudie Southesk, but no one remembers her these days) and, Dear One's regal Grandpapa had the pall of gloom over him from birth--he arrived on this day in 1895. While there was only a memo--no phone call--it was signed by the Mother-in-law. Do our best not to die or be born was the gist of it. After all, 'Albert' is so common now it is the moniker of that pretty actress's son in Monte Carlo and 'Victoria' is now associated with the heir in Sweeden, who married her personal trainer. I wouldn't use the actual word 'common,' but you can bet the Mother-in-law did. Thankfully we made it. No births, no deaths.

 15 December 2013

Christmas Shopping -- STAFF

First let me say I do have them give in a list within a certain price range. I then go from there.

Butler  No Spode this year, chappie! Jumper from M/S Clearance
Butler's ex-lover Tickets to hottest musical in town (sold out)

Under-butler Car detailing voucher for very posh service (it was on his list)

Valet (looks after robes of office, Garter, Thistle etc as well as daily and evening wear) 1 week Ski holiday and substantial cash bonus for excellent trip to India service

Assistant Valet Weekend for 2 in Paris at lovely boutique hotel and bonus cash
Batman (looks after the ceremonial uniforms) Family holiday home booking and transport.

Footman Cash toward purchase of a car
Footman/page Cash to pay up child maintenance arrears

Equerry #1 Bottle of booze and signed photo
Equerry #2 Bottle of booze and signed photo
Equerry #3 Bottle of booze and signed photo
Head Gardener (town) Rugby season tickets
Head Gardener (country) Motorcycle leathers (his suggestion)
Assistant Gardener (town) Tickets to Rugby matches (3)
Assistant Gardener (country) Jijitsu lessons (his suggestion)
Housekeeper Trip to New Zealand to visit her Grands while we are in Scotland. She's essential. Her birthday its her annual trip to Florida for two weeks. Spending money, too.
My dresser (we don't say "ladies maid" any more) Tickets to sold out rap concert (6 seats)
My assistant dresser (share with Mother-in-law) Introduction to my designers (she's a design student) and cash
Maid # 1 Flat screen tv (on her list)
Maid # 2 Tickets to Rugby (wants to take her new guy)
Maid #3 Voucher for hair coloring at new posh salon owned by friend's niece
Chef  Holiday for 2 at Cousin L's Provence home
Assistant Chef (student) Gig covering for the Mother-in-law's chef for a small dinner party and cash
Kitchen Maid (My lovely Filipino sweetheart) OFFICIALLY a designer suit (on her list) but I also threw in 3 weeks vacation back home with her mother. Thoughts of this young lady quitting make me almost suicidal.
Driver # 1  Opera tickets and money for fabulous night out with his wife.
Driver # 2 Leather coat (it was on his list)
Protection Officers (same for each) [Officially not allowed to give them anything.] Signed, framed photo with cash inside!

Still have little gifts to take care of to various delivery people etc., via the housekeeper as well as to the off license and take away people I rely on. Good people. The office staff get an official cash payment and a small personal gift. Personal Secretaries get the grandest gifts. Dear One's private secretary is getting a new car.

16 December 2013

Well, call me so NOT shocked. SWMNBN died as a result of a car crash and not a sniper or whatever the latest theory was. Now let her poor boys live in peace. Enough. They're lovely boys, let them remember her fondly and miss her in their own way. Stop trying to make her death into something it wasn't. Tragic--yes? Horrific--yes--FOR HER CHILDREN. Loss to humanity--no, at least no more than the death of any other wealthy mother of two. Get on with it already. Let the poor lambs have their peace already.

17 December 2014

Well. I must say, I did wonder how much it cost Pushy to get her granddaughter's Christening splashed all over the media? Wonder she didn't just say "I made them have her so she could marry [Baby]." After all they're about as closely related as the Mother-in-law and Pip, and lets be honest, the gene pool really can't get much worse in this family, can it? Yummy and SWMNBN brought in a gush of fresh blood. Duty done, I always say. Seriously, who on this planet could tell you who the 47th person in line for the throne is? The Palace couldn't--they made a bollocks of it all on their website. Even wikipedia was more accurate for a while. And, frankly, who cares who the 47th in line to ANYTHING is unless its One and I'm that number in the loo queue! What a hoot! Dear One very grumbly over it. Such tosh to be strutting around like she was important. I hope Cousin M isn't called on the carpet. The Mother-in-law takes a very dim view of his wife.

Had an invite to Edith's younger sprog's birthday tea. Sent regrets and a game for the xbox from us and Haza. Got an excited text on the mobile from the boy, then a flurry of angry ones from Edith and the Mrs. Had no idea it wasn't rated for his age--it WAS ON HIS BLOODY AMAZON WISH LIST, if you please!! Don't they vet these lists? Does Edith KNOW where his young chap IS online? Dear One gave him a very parental telling off over it, I can tell you. Apparently Edith then called Pip to moan about Dear One and got an ear boxing for once. Good for Pip. Of course, poor Pip likely had no idea who he was talking to at that moment, but unlike the Mother-in-law and Randy, he does dole out justice when it is called for and Edith, in this instance, was just begging for it. Go Pip, I'd say. Went off to bed giggling as Dear One trumpeted loud and long on the hell of raising siblings, how it never ends, what in God's name were Mummy and Papa thinking ...etc, etc. Well, to be honest, I've wondered that last bit as well, but likely it was after a boozy party. Surely even the Mother-in-law can get carried Best not go there....brain bleach as they say......

Copyright protected.More Royal humor: What if Charles HAD married Camilla in the 1970s?

1 comment:

Susan said...

You have so many funny lines in the bit about the christening -- love, love!