Wednesday, November 06, 2013

'Milla's Diary, week ending November 6, 2013

NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.

Need to catch up or know who is who? Check out the first installment of 'Milla's Diary.

Copyright protected.

October 31, 2013

Survived the trip to my lovely inner-city riding charity with the Mother-in-law. She was very excited by it all, actually, which was lovely to see. Of course the horses were at attention. Lots of nice neck bows from that contingent. She's such a lamb with animals! The young riders were a bit underwhelmed. After all, none had ever met someone born in the 1920s or a lady who wears matching coats and dresses, let alone that type hat. I did hear a few nice comments though. "Lovely old dear, wonder who she is?" and "Must be dead uncomfotable having to wear those tights." And, my favorite, "Makes us proud, in'it?"(Who knows how to write that! Just sound it out!) Amen to that one! In the car she was positively chatty. Once out-of-sight she was on her mobile to the OTH about getting one youngster on the list for a look-over by the Olympic riding folks. Lovely, that. Shows her true spirit. After all, to her, we're all equal--all just 'subjects,' so why not help the young man?

November 1, 2013

Arrived in India for the start of a little jolly with the girls ahead of the big Tour. One of the tabloids is giving me an itinary that reads like something SWMNBN would have gone in for! Coffee enemas for everyone, I gather! What a hoot! In the first place, I'd hardly bother going anywhere tee-total, now would I?  No fun there! I admit to doing a little bit of yoga--helps keep my joints in good shape for riding. Ditto the facials and a daily massage. The big reason is simple--weight loss. I enjoyed the pub grub a bit too heartily this summer so I need a few inches off my old arse! So a 'detox diet', I suppose one could say, but with the intent of a slimmer body. That's it. I've got Kevin, in legal on to the papers about the lies. Such a lamb, "our Kev"--up from some housing estate to now being looked at as a potential QC. Dear One like a proud father over him.

Luella and Tiny and Pandy are along to keep me company. Lovely afternoon swims before our statutory limit of exactly one gin and tonic (with the horrible "diet" tonic). For tea we had a few grains of brown rice, some mango and a bean sprout salad with no discernible dressing. Yummy! Dinner was another type of sprout salad, some sort of grainy-"beverage" and a bit of unidentifiable fruit. Good thing Tiny smuggled in that jar of Marmite and we all had big purses on the plane so there are peanuts and extra gin for late nights.

November 2, 2013

Busted. They discovered our stash of survival food. Dear One was phoned and awaken and was not in a very lovey-dovey mood when we spoke. Got the usual lecture on how much wardrobes for tours cost, it's all a matter of moderation, he kept the same size for 30 years, blah, blah, blah. That's meant to be me told, you see. As in should stop the messing about with the regime. But I went to a REAL school--not that prison camp he went to. Breaking the rules is the best part! How many winter nights did we all risk frost bite for a fag cigarette on the ledge outside the dormitory loo? Lulu had some sort of organic tosh hidden in her Depends pads. Almost as awful as those biscuits Dear One adored so last Spring, but we got them down.

No breakfast since we "cheated" and, we've been told in no uncertain terms, no eleveness either, due to the second "incident." Well, well.  Mandatory yoga first. Then a specimen bottle to fill. Alcohol content detected beyond the allowed range. No drinkie tonight.  Lunch was some sort of gruel  we were told to call "soup." Made of our cats' piss apparently. Even Dear one's organic, free-trade wine tastes better. But, I was ravenous, so got it all down in two gulps.  Second course was an undressed salad. Took my time over that, but it was at least lovely and fresh AND edible. Afternoon was a "theraputic massage." Done, apprently, by Rosa Kelbb in an Indian disguise. I'm sure I must have deep bruises. Apparently, breaking the rules is not a cultural norm here. Wonder what they do then when they are bored rigid at boarding school here? Swat? Read Latin poetry? Not One, thank you very much.

November 3, 2013

Bribed attendant to get us some real grub. Alarm bells soon went off immediately thereafter and the place went to full lock-down. They even cut the satellite feed and wireless--just as we'd connected to catch up The Street together, too! Next thing I know, I'm hauled before the Headmistress--one of those girls at school who simply adored things like calculus and never took time off to go to dances. Course, who'd have danced with her, I always say! Fun ceased. Mother-in-law on the line this time. In her dressing- down-the-silly-little-Prime-Minister tone. Pulled up own socks, you may be sure.

Extra yoga, then another session of massage. Dinner was so lovely!! What a treat! Wildgrass soup or something--a bit minty, sprout salad sans dressing and a few lychees. I must get the recipes. Opted for yet another round of swimming, then another voluntary pee-test, followed by bedtime yoga. The girls were wonderfully loyal--pretended they hadn't watched Strictly to cheer me up.

November 4, 2013

Dear One called. Got wind of Mummy's call. Not good. Last wife Mummy called...well....never mind. I gave the Headmistress a piece of my grandmother's good jewelry to tell him I was a good girl. I'll hear about that from my daughter, but I CAN live with THAT--just.

Today's fun included a long swim, another heart-damaging circulation improving deep bruising muscle massage, an organic facial with the girls (the lady let us watch an old Oprah show that was being re-run), a truly sleep-inducing uplifting sermon by an Anglican Priest visiting the area and then more yoga. Breakfast was truly marvelous! A type fruit I'd never seen, some grainy cooked cereal without sugar, but with bananas, and a cup of herbal tea. Lunch featured some sort of melon and, since  it was Sunday, about an ounce of tofu for something special. Dinner was another fascinating soup and the sprout salad that I can't wait to serve if we ever host the Mother-in-law again. 

The girls swore before the Priest that the WOULD NOT watch Downton without me. I did remind them it wasn't too late to bill them for the trip. Everyone found good books to read and settled in my room. The Headmistress, to be supportive, shut down the satellite and the wi-fi in case anyone was tempted to cheat after lights out. Bet she stopped girls for not buttoning the top button on their uniform blouse when she was a prefect.

November 5, 2013

A relaxation session in the sensory chamber (?) which Tiny WILL insist on calling "the Chamber of Secrets." What a hoot! Too bad we forgot to pack the Invisibility Cloak (which, incidentally, is on the wish lists of Dear One, the Boy and Haza and I suspect the rest of the Family Firm). More of the same--grass, twigs, salad and fruit. Nice time swimming. Enough yoga for a lifetime. Flowers from Dear One--he's such a lamb. Really. And he phoned at bedtime which was glorious fun. Told him all about the mud bath we each tried and well... I'll leave that bit to your imagination. Dear Lord! Please don't let that conversation be taped. Please, please, swear I'll give up fags cigarettes for real if only that bit doesn't hit the airwaves. Just what he needs--folks showing up at events slathered in mud to taunt him.Guts for garters time if that happens.

November 6, 2013

Final day in prison. A sweet lady in a pink track suit ran a tape measure over my old bum and discovered I'd dropped more than an inch and a quarter. The scale registered half a stone lighter. Success!! Today for lunch we had cold chicken, a salad with a tiny bit of dressing and recognizable fruit.  The Headmistress, saying it had been an honor to speak to Dear One, gave back my grandmother's jewelry. What a lamb!! And we were allowed unsalted veggie crisps and a chance to watch Stricty before yoga and Downton with dinner! And, a tiny measure of gin (no tonic) with a slice of lemon to go with pea curry, a tiny dab of brown rice and a microscopic sweet. What a banquet!

The girls and I stayed up all night remembering the trouble we got up to at school. Such a hoot! Off tomorrow to meet up with Dear One and begin the tour happy in the knowledge my entire wardrobe (well, maybe night the light blue outfit) will fit fine again. Gave all the staff official photos in lovely frames as well as extra-generous tips. Such lovely people. So good for One, after all.

More Royal humor: What if Charles HAD married Camilla in the 1970s?

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