Thursday, October 24, 2013

'Milla's Diary, week ending October 23, 2013

NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.

Need to catch up or know who is who? Check out the first installment of 'Milla's Diary.

Copyright protected.

October 16 and 17, 2013

It's rare I miss a day to chunter away in this Diary, but it does happen. Being back in London both energizes and sucks the life out of one simultaneously. Lovely to be closer to the Grands of course, but the whole "Upstairs, Downstairs," drama gets waring very soon, I find. The Butler is still in mourning over his toy boy departing, and the dear little Japanese boy is gone from the gardening staff. I'll miss him--such a lamb. Then there's the maid who can't Hoover currently (she has a government form properly filled-in and all boxes ticked, signed, dated and stamped, of course) and the other who is wearing some medical device and can't do anything except drink bottled water and watch the kitchen telly. So, naturally, with a guests expected--OFFICIAL GUESTS, I might add--it was up to, who else? One. Yes, ONE Hoovered the entryway and the reception room. One. In bespoke dress, designer pumps, top-of-the-range-Spanx and shellacked hair. Did I mention the two ropes of Queen Mary's pearls?? You can bet that old broad never fired up a Hoover, even if she did light old George up enough to have six children! So as I knelt on the centuries old carpet to fiddle with the brush of the Hoover and remove a bit of something that got stuck, Dear One arrived ready for the guests and was rendered speechless that I was dismantling machinery when I should have been checking my teeth for lipstick smudges. He has no clue about anything domestic any more. Oh, back in the day he learned to boil and egg and recite a recipe for bread pudding with what he called (every blessed time he recited it, if you please) "lashings" of rum. But, these days he's just like Lord G: he'd be found dead looking for the kitchen. I explained in tones normally ascribed to a fish wife that I was "mending the bleeding Hoover, all right?" Well. That was that. Grandpapa's ganshes-face came on the scene. Thankfully, he'd never toss Spode or there'd have been a call from across the street. Happily whoever it was we met (I was in a state, you see, didn't know or care, at that precise moment who we were in aid of) went away chuffed with their cyphered cuff links or framed photo or whatever it was Dear One handed them.

October 18, 2013

Rite of Passage day here for the Boy. And, were Papa and Granny pleased? Dear One had him on the mobile for almost half an hour congratulating him on his first investiture. "Only  a zillion more to go..." were his sweet words of praise. Funny, the Boy's call dropped just then and Dear One couldn't seem to get him back. Funny that.

Nice lunch out with some of the London girls--we were all in the same year. Tiny (her real name is Arthura, so Tiny is quite an improvement) telling us all the latest aging problem--knee replacement. Apparently it's marvelous. She said to demand it now before you need it--save so much time. Rather like having all your teeth pulled so you never know the pain of toothache, but Tiny has always had a dramatic side. Judith is the latest victim. Robert ditched her for his 40-something secretary. She was very, very hurt. She felt he should have grabbed one of the 20-something barristers. Would have given her more status, somehow. Anyway, Robert and the Secretary apparently have three children together and poor Judith had no clue! I ask you? She thought it was hilarious! When he's needing a care home, he'll have to make due with whatever care the NHS supplies so the boys can go to Harrow! What a hoot! Judith has always been such an upbeat lass! She was the first to go out on stage and "Hair" and didn't mind stripping off while the rest of us balked!

October 19, 2013

You heard it here first. Remember that. New Mummy plays volleyball in odd shoes. That qualifies as news in this country. Yummy was top of the page today playing volleyball on the Royal Round. No one seems to mind that she doesn't have to take her baby to a child minder in a  squat to afford care. It's very 1930s here, I swear. The public can't get enough of the Happy Little Family. Though from what I hear, it isn't all 'pass the panforte, darling' over there. The new apartment still has a to-do list miles long, the Boy is back to video games half the night, and Nanny the Administrative Assistant to Baby has rather more commonsense on issues such as Baby's sleeping arrangements. I had Yummy on the mobile in simply FLOODS of tears. The Boy, Baby, Nanny Helper Person, all DEMANDING! Did they not realize how difficult it is to go thru a pregnancy and have not a single stretch mark? Could they not see that it was all she could do to have her hair back glorious this soon? And, really, wasn't X number of times per week ABOVE the national average and shouldn't he be able to just roll over and go to sleep occasionally?

Like PTSD flashback just listening to her. She's so right (well, looney on the stretch mark and hair thing, but she is a lamb).  I had to do serious thinking. She vetoed adding the naughty channels to the satellite package, it is a bit soon for that I suppose. Then I asked if she'd had a gin and tonic yet. She was concerned that 11 am might be a bit "soon-ish?" Of course not, I told her. You have to take it gradually throughout the day. Don't want to be like Mrs. Edith. She giggled, then laughed, then said something unlady like and had to ring me back. Seems the thought of Mrs. Edith weaving to the car with her props children after a recent family thing got her giggling so hard she wee'd poor thing. I reminded her that too much caffine was part of the Boy's problems. Switch to decaf and don't say anything. Suggest he's getting a bit paunchy and needs the gym again. She LOVED that idea! "Bald AND Fat!" was her giggle. Poor dear Boy, he has no idea......

October 20, 2013

Spent the day with Pip and he was too 'out there' for a mercy dash to anywhere fun, so we stayed in and he watched sport at full volume and slept. Poor lamb, hard to imagine being his age. Normally, he's good company, but I do wonder if he's coming down with some infection or something. Had two blankets over his legs. Once he was fast asleep, I muted the sport and finished the Street. When he woke up, aside from asking where 'Shirley' had gone, he was pretty much spot on again. Seems the Mother-in-law has been in a mood since the newest break-in attempt. Poor dear Pip thought she'd appreciate a cuddle, but it wasn't scheduled so she was off to the races ranting at him. He's such a lamb--just takes it. He knows the stain she lives under unlike anyone else. But, he has feelings. He genuinely thought to give her a cuddle--like a gentleman. No ulterior motives (I really didn't need THAT mental picture) and she rebuffed him. I ask you? Who'd turn down a proper gentleman's cuddle? Not One, that's for sure!

Dear One off to some charity thing so the dogs and I watched Strictly in the kitchen with what staff is still on duty. The Filippino kitchen made nipped round to the Chippy for all, then hit the off license. Some Belgian micro-brewery beer that's all the rage apparently goes a treat with chips and mushy peas and, of course, the fish. And it does, too! Must remember it next time Dear One wants fish and chips. Of course the bad part was, I had to keep mum about all that happened. Dear One is a huge fan and I was said to be waiting to watch it on the dvr with him, but I just HAD to see it. He forgave me, of course, after we danced along. Such fun.

October 21, 2013

Dear One did his duty and went over to the Chapel for church. The dogs and I stayed in and had a good natter with the d-i-l about the Grands. Next weekend we should be in the country, thank goodness. London weekends are so long. I did take the dogs to the Palace for a nice walkie in the park, but it's not a good country tramp now is it? It takes country air to make a walk truly invigorating.

Downton Night, No big due this week. Just ordered a pizza and put on my nightie. Dear One pleased--the pizza was from that new organic everything, artisian everything, heirloom everything place in Notting Hill. Practically needed the helicopter to deliver it, but the delivery chappie made it on his motorbike. 3 kinds of mushrooms, fabulous cheeses, fresh bread with four kinds of dip and a lovely salad--all organic with a delightful pommegranite-infused balsamic dressing. Dear one in heaven! Downton always puts him in a good mood. We try to imagine having a staff that does what's assigned, let alone one that cares about it. Must come up with a drinking game for next week. The one where we drink when someone lies to Cora has gotten boring. Dear One suggested everytime Edith gets let down by a man, but we'd be legless. And that yummy Mr. Napier is back, though I have to say Lord Gillingham was decidedly dishy and had the "spheres" to deal with Mary.  What a heavenly evening! Dear One so sweet when we went upstairs. Had some new boring tome about the size of Windsor Castle to read so he went off in two seconds. I read the Downton and Strictly boards on the iPod then lost myself in another free Highlander romance on my kindle fire. Why are they all called Cameron? I think Angus is more virile sounding. They are such a hoot though! And how lovely that no one need know you are reading it! Knighthood, please, for the Kindle inventor!

October 22, 2013

All. Day. Long. with stylists, dress designers etc. The vein in my head was THROBBING. Baby's christening is tomorrow and the weight I gained on hols is not helpful to the planned-ahead wardrobe. That dress alone took a good hour. Then there's the re-fit for dress number one for next month's tour. Shopping and dressmakers are a proper bore. Give me a horse or a dog and the out of doors any day!

Called up the OTH on my mobile to tease about the so-called snub of not being invited to Baby's christening--the press johnnies fanned the flames to almost a good bonfire on this one. Her response? "Mrs. Edith was snubbed. I was asked if I wanted an invite!" Ha! Smoke that Fleet Street! So fun talking with her--we of course had to stroll down memory lane about our mutual ex, then it was straight on to the Grands--she's a new one coming, of course. It is so touching when its your daughter having the child. She agreed. Being the OTH she was already scouting a good stout first pony for the child--and the Oxfam jumble sale, of course! Saves a packet toward the school fees!

October 23, 2013

Baby's Christening!! The little lamb did beautifully. Not a peep. Course with Great-Granny giving you the eye, you couldn't. So well trained already. Lost Pip. He'd headed out for the loo when it was over and got lost. Found him an hour or so later chatting up a Lady Clerk (that's a secretary to the modern world) in some office in St. James Palace. Protection people on red alert status after the recent break-in scare. He was found and delivered, safely, to the Mausoleum for the tea after the ceremony. The OTHER Granny certainly put herself forward. Giving poor Yummy non-stop advice! Like she was Super Nanny or someone. I rescued poor Yummy and asked after a birthday package from her company for one of the Grands. You'd think a tiny discount would be offered, but no, not without a voucher. Honestly! The nerve of some people.

More Royal humor: What if Charles HAD married Camilla in the 1970s?


Susan said...

I love Milla and Yummy's phone conversations :) And my -- "other" granny is certainly getting entitled! Harumph!

Hopewell said...

Exactly! as 'Milla would say!