Friday, October 04, 2013

'Milla's Diary, week ending October 2, 2013

NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.

Need to catch up or know who is who? Check out the first installment of 'Milla's Diary.

Copyright protected

September 26, 2013

Finally! The new season of "Strictly Come Dancing" is back! Dear One and I LOVE this show! We often dance along with them! I'd give anything for a shot at that show, for charity of course! but it would get all the nutters up in arms that SWMNBN never had the chance! Oh well, we'll just twirl in the sitting room instead.

Been on the mobile almost constantly with the Mausoleum staff--the move "home" is almost upon us. Have to make sure all the required "welcome home" goodies are on order and will be in stock up our arrival. There's Dear One's beloved tasteless organic free trade white wine and the biscuit d'jour, which if you are interested is a slightly good almost-shortbread topped with boysenberries and dark chocolate. They cost the Earth and Pip spit his out when he tried it (the corgis sniffed it and growled, which made both the Mother-in-law and Pip howl with laughter till both needed a fast wee...... ) Then there's the little comforts to make sure are properly packed so they are immediately available, if necessary, such as the photo albums and the navy for the tub. Such things wives must take in their stride, but THIS wife must add in the items and idocycracies of the Butler, two footmen and an on-call aromatherapist.  Yes, aromatherapist. Bit much to my way of thinking, but Dear One now SWEARS by her remedies! I must say the gunge she came up with to rub on  [best not say where, exactly...] well, lets just say the hydraulics haven't failed since! What a hoot we've been having at night!

September 27, 2013
My old friends John and Pandora (she was in my year) came up for a little shooting and din-din for a night or two. Lovely to see them, really. Pandy had an iPad chocked full of pictures of the Grands which was fine, but then also had every holiday snap ever taken loaded. And I do mean EVERY. As in since their honeymoon in 1969! John a bit dotty. Pandy fell for him but he was an OLDER man, if you see what I mean. But back in the day when it was done right. No shoving the first wife out. She'd died poor thing and he had no heir. Nothing for it but to bag and bed a deb. Four boys, duty done. Well, sadly now he's over 80 and the age difference is even MORE glaring. He was a soldier though so his sense of fun is still good and strong. Now HIS holiday snaps had us in stitches. Visited  a naughty toy store in Ibiza and found these hilarious light up, glittery.........well you know whats......Dear One wants a job lot of them to give as Christmas gifts. They red and green striped ones. When properly used they play Christmas songs! What a hoot!! John's always been like that -- good clean fun. Pandy knocked back most of a quart of gin and began to relax. She and Dear One danced the tango and did it in a style worthy of dear "Strictly" too! Then John thought we should have a go. Well, let's just say everything was washable and we don't mention accidents of THAT sort--bladder control can be so embarrassing as we age, can't it?

September 28, 2013

Big "do" for Downton Abbey tonight. With John and Pandy here we did it up very Dowager Countess-ish in tiaras and the rest to eat grouse and the trimmings while we watched the show.  Had  a lovely drinking game that's too complicated to explain, but dear old John WAS a soldier and they do have the most tremendous fun! Dear One quite legless by the end, so could have used Carson, Jimmy and that slick Thomas to cart him up to bed. Our lot were off duty (they're covered by a private collective bargaining agreement, so there you go!) So John and Pandy and I got him to the stairs and we herded him up! Quite fun till John got gassy. Dear One hit the carpet at the retort thinking it was an assassination attempt, poor lamb! Then he proceeded to lose his grouse and make a mess of the stairway carpet. You'll never guess who got stuck mopping up? Of course! One! Half the night pretending I was a tweeny because he's too old to mix new Grouse with Old Grouse!

Once he'd lurched off to bed--and NO I did not render any further assistance--I took myself off for a nice long soak in some heavenly non-organic bath salts I got at the local chemist. That and a new highlander romance and I was set for hours! Well, should have been. But Dear One woke up and needed a tinkle and wouldn't go downstairs. I ask you? I'm up to my boobs in lovely hot water, just to where the highlander is getting out his....well... "Claymore," and in he comes wanting a private pee. I hauled myself out of the water, dripping water like a Labrador while he mutters something about who-knows-what out the side of his mouth, ganster-style.  

September 29, 2013

Good natter with Yummy. Baby is doing well, but Boy is chomping at the bit. Ready for the "off" on the night time fun and then some. Suggested he train for the Iron Man thing. Swimming, cycling, running--you've heard of it, I'm sure? She was afraid that mentioning that suggestive name would get him in more of a "mood." Had to agree. Not my best effort. Suggested Dear One's new aromatherapist's sleeping potion. Baby doing well, but OTHER GRANNY being a but overbearing, I understand. It was easier in my day. Mummy didn't know anything about actually raising us--in the keeping us alive sense--so we just called Nanny at the retirement home. So much more sensible, really. Mummy's just aren't as wise as nannies. It's not natural for mummy to know too much--she'd never get any sleep. This generation knows all about antibiotic-resistant super bugs and how scary it is to ride a pedal-less walking tricycle without a helmet that they can never RELAX. Plus they've got the idea that gin and tonic is not ok for nursing mummies. I ask you? How is she supposed to deal with the Boy's needs, the Baby's needs, the household staff needs and her own need's without a little G & T at 5 pm? The child IS British. When has alcohol ever been harmful to a British child??? Stop reading American Mummy blogs already! The poor dear has to move house, change husband's job, keep track of all the stupid things husbands require (my Monday pants or the tie Silly-Drunken-School-Friend gave me or  those simply outrageous flame-thrower-flavored crisps that are ESSENTIAL to his peace of mind) AND not drink?? Not possible. Even the Lord drank wine for goodness sake! I told her to just have 2 fingers of Gin and not the usual 4 and she and baby would be all the happier for it! She sounded so relieved!

September 30, 2013

Dear One off on the Royal Round so I caught up the Street in bed all morning. Lovely little lie in wth the dogs. Course I had to fetch my own breakfast tray. And don't think THAT won't be remembered come staff appreciation day! I only asked for a lovely little fry up and just nip it upstairs to me. I may has well have ordered World Peace! In the end I went down to the kitchen and did it myself. It's ONE working for THEM like always.

To avoid further problems, I took myself down the pub for lunch. They do a very nice veggie quiche down there. The old ladies scooched up to make room--with Phylis back from seeing the Grands in Toronto my usual seat was gone. Lovely getting to know her--knits constantly. Made an entire sock as we sat nattering!  Lovely grands--saw the photos on her iPhone. Quite complimentary of mine as well. New water aerobics class gearing up at the community center and they asked me to join them! I was quite chuffed, I really was. Think I'll go along tomorrow--at least go till we move south. Nice group, all love the Boy and the Mother-in-law but tactfully kept their opinions of Dear One and SWMNBN quiet. A true blessing.

October 1, 2013

Water aerobics! Hilarious morning. We old broads gathered in the changing room and helped those who couldn't quite scrunch their own bits and pieces into their suits.  The sweet young thing teaching us old bats was a model of self-control! When Lucille fired off a few rounds underwater, and Barb unhelpfully cried out "in coming" and we all laughed, snorted and shot a few more off, the young lady kept her dignity like a headmistress. Turns out she's an infants class teacher and well used to students losing control!

After that demonic workout we all piled into Gloria's people mover and went to the pub for curried chips and gin! So refreshing! Really wish I'd be here for the full course--What a hoot! Going to miss these ladies.

October 2, 2013

Spent the day at the Castle with Pip. The Mother-in-law was on the Royal round and wanted him minded so yours truly got the nod. I don't see what the problem is! He's such a lamb. Just likes a little fun. The Polish Twins and their mysterious massage have done him a world of good, I'd say. As usual he had sport on the tv and up to maximum volume. He slept half the time, but woke up in time for lunch so I ran him down to the village for a pint and some grub. A decent mutton stew at the pub with lovely mashed potatoes and pint did him wonders. The girls from "my" table insisted we sit with them. They all got pictures on their phones--hilarious seeing them all (and Pip, too, of course) doing duck faces and the like to twit the Grands. What a hoot!

Back at the Castle it was the Headmaster's Study for Pip and right Royal ear-boxing he got, too. First the Private Secretary, then the Mother-in-law ticked him off for going AWOL and for misusing social media. Poor old dear can't win. Sulked in front of the telly for a few hours--I stayed out of loyalty. Finally he nodded off and I made my escape.

1 comment:

Susan said...

Ha! I think Mila and Dear One need to adopt -- she has so much maternal wisdom :) I also love thinking of them watching DA!