Friday, September 20, 2013

'Milla's Diary, week ending September 18, 2013

NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.

Need to catch up or know who is who? Check out the first installment of 'Milla's Diary.

Copyright protected

September 12, 2013

Getting back to holiday mode today. Dear One in an understandable funk after friend's funeral. Nanny has departed for where ever she lives when not holidaying up here, so that left one in charge of the bucking up brigade. Not made any easier, I can tell you, by the staff. It's always ONE working for THEM, isn't it? I'd thought a lovely tramp thru the heather (it was pouring buckets--always the best time for a walk) with the dogs, then stop at one of the small shelters for a  shooting party-style lunch. Game pie, that sort of thing, in the silver boxes, brought out in an old Land Rover---it WOULD have been perfect. But NO!! The bloody butler has guests, the footman has his yoga class and the maids are off for the day, doing some aroma therapy thingy I stupidly gave them a voucher for on Christmas. So, I rang up the pub and begged. No problem. They brought over a scrummy steak and kidney pie, heaps of chips, that firey hot mango chutney for the chips (Brown sauce, too, so it wasn't high treason, must have 'tradition'), a few pints to wash them down with and the desert of the day. I unearthed the silver boxes, warmed them with a kettle of hot water and loaded them into the pizza carriers before stuffing them in the back of the Land Rover. Day Saved by ONE. Always, by One. Had a sweet card from the Filippino kitchen maid who is having a grand hol in Ibiza. Might just join her next year.

September 13, 2013

Dear One off to do Royal Round for a day. I stayed home with the dogs and caught up the Street. I'm ages behind--probably a whole new cast by now! Took a peek at the chat boards to see if there were any good spoilers. Counting the days till dear Downton is back on.  Dear One loves it all so much!! I've got a fabulous evening gown of Granny's to wear for the first night! Such a hoot! Period lingerie that footman found me on a fabulous Etsy site. It'll be such a hoot! We'll do up period cocktails and I'm making Dear One wear a hard shirt and tail coat--so much more fun that way! And, this morning at a Village car boot sale I found a puppy's tiara! How utterly sweet for one of the dogs! I'll do up something for the other one--maybe let her wear one of my diamonds or something!!

Well, once my eyes were bleeding from too much digitally recorded telly, I popped down the village for the car boot sale (snagged a perfectly lovely skirt for next to nothing and a like new toy for the grands collection at the Masoleum) then had lunch with the gang in the pub. It was curry day so the place had the most delicious pong. Found a group of older women to natter with--mostly the Street. They were all so sweet--no "what's X REALLY like." Right sort. Of course we passed around the phones and wallets and ipad to ooooh and aaaaah over the grands. No comment about the step-grand not being in the mix. I know better than to ever make that one public! He is the most darling baby though.

September 14, 2013

Yummy phoned. Green pooh, it seems. Nothing to worry about, I told her. At least its happening. When it stops, phone the gp immediately. She sounds terribly stressed. I kept at it till she spilled it all. Seems for all the Boy burbles on and on about fatherhood he's already to the "Wake up, darling, the baby needs you," stage. So typical. Ah well. Good thing Nanny will be around soon--the Boy's old nanny is in the pipeline. Thank Goodness. Sensible hands on the ship of state. Yummy struggling to keep up with the eating demands of mummyhood. Nanny will handle it.

September 15, 2013

Haza's birthday! Such a lamb! But then soldiers always are. Sent him a delightfully raunchy card and he texted back big smacking kisses. Dear One sent him some sort of organic goop that supposed to prevent chafing. Sells like sheep dip. Can't imaging slathering that on the family jewels, but Haza was VERY enthusiastic about it, so what do I know......

Boy, Yummy and Baby arrived at the Castle for a short visit with Pip and the Mother-in-Law. Press  has knickers in a twist because Pip hasn't seen Baby yet. He's 92. On good days he remembers who his wife is. On bad days...well, don't ask. Still, he's been pretty "with it" so it went well. Of course Yummy fought back sick at the sight of the evening's Hagis, then emptied her wine glass and all but begged for a refill. Baby howled for an hour after the piper went thru. Didn't blame him. Turns out his nappy was damp. Second round of pipes had him cooing and looking pleased. Total lamb of a baby that one!

September 16, 2013

Lovely tramping in the rain with the men as they went off stalking. The Mother-in-law decided to go, so I was only too happy to join in--so important to be outdoors. The dogs had to stay behind--too little, but I'll make it up to them. As we were making our way on the outward part of the day, the mother-in-law's phone bleeped and it soon became apparent it was Randy. No she had not fired anyone. No, that really wasn't necessary. No darling, the chappy was only doing his job. You chiropidist said what, dear? Darling, really, that toe has been like that since the first time you played Rugby? Remember? Mummy raced out to see you at school and you needed a cuddle? darling I can't fire the man for doing his job. Well, you WERE asked to update your photo, weren't you? hmmmmm? We don't really look like Robert Redford anymore, do we.....? Of course not--you're still Mummy's handsome boy.........

Well by then I needed a sick bag or a fag cigarette or both--to be had with pint or a g & t if you please. Dear Randy will milk that policeman tackling him for the rest of his natural life. Honestly. Fought in a war, but whinges about  being tackled in the garden! Certainly not a soldier! I blame that crack-pot school they went to. Eton boys have better manners than to whinge about something like that. Now, let them have the wrong pair of socks, or a bad haircut and the whinging can drown out the planes landing at Heathrow! But bad form to whinge about a chap doing his duty.

September 17, 2013

Well, yesterday's family dinner came to an abrupt halt when Pip, exhausted from too much family, too much healthy food and too much time with the mother-in-law, looked at Yummy and asked her if her hands were strong and soft. Proverbial pin dropping time. The Boy's lower lip jutted out and I could see him plotting revenge of some sort, so I elbowed the footman serving me in the no-nos and he dropped the sauce for the venison, creating a lovely diversion. Some of it splashed onto Yummy so she had to make a fast exit. Pip then went to sleep until desert. Boy was given very stiff refill of wine and we limped along by discussing previous servant-caused disturbances. I slipped the footman a huge bank note before bedtime--former soldier, that one, so no hard feelings.

September 18, 2013

Popped up to see Pip and brought him a nice lunch of a chili con carne, chips and these dear little things called "jalopena poppers"--Americans come up with the yummiest garbage food, I always say.  Three pints and all the food later, his brainbox was back in the groove and I chided him on the Yummy gaffe. Had no idea he'd done it, poor lamb. Sat down then and there and wrote both a breath- takingly beautiful apology. I then pointed out that the Mother-in-law was quite frosty and regal today and perhaps he could bend a knee there as well? But, no! Dug his heels in. Wasn't wanted on the voyage last night, I take it. Had to sleep next door. Electric blanket on the fritz too. No snuggles. Well, as cold as that old barn is I don't blame the poor man. Had to get up and find woolies to sleep in. Then didn't get back to sleep. Hours of this apparently.

Spent the afternoon watching Asian cricket with sound on a decimal level that could be heard in Bombay. The Mother-in-law, in dress and pearls doing her boxes, came in to shout at him about it. He was sound asleep so she ripped the clicker from his hand and put the volume to a civil level before glaring right thru me. I slipped out for home soon after.

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