NOTE: This is affectionately written fiction. Any resemblance to royals, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This piece is copyright protected.
Need to catch up or know who is who? Check out the first installment of 'Milla's Diary.
August 8, 2013
Stuck up here in in Granny's little shop of horrors. The upstairs loo (known as the "new loo" since it was installed in the 20th Century instead of the 19th) has become the sole loo since the downstairs errupted the other day. Had to giggle. It was the butler who did it! I've always wanted to say "the Butler did it," haven't you! What a hoot. So now the entire Army has to tramp up the stairs all night when they need a pee. Dear One wanted to get a porta-loo for the staff. Granny told him people from those classes don't think indoor toilets are hygenic. I ask you? In the 21st Century he still thinks this is a prevelant attitude. I set him straight on that, but then had to have a call-round to Porto-loo firms to get pricing. Dear One clutched the drapes when he heard the cost. So now the "gents" for the liquids is the bush out back and for the big jobs we put up with the tramping of elephants up the stairs. The ladies are discreet and quiet thank heavens. So, now I've plumbers to contend with on this so-called holiday! Could the Butler handle it? Good Lord! The Butler....dealing with people.....in TRADE! What Would Mr. Carson do? Right. So it's again up to ONE. Meanwhile, Dear One was rhapsodizing about chamber pots. Sometimes it best to say nothing......
August 9, 2013
Downstairs loo needs a re-fit. Seems a rodent died in a pipe. Lovely. Since cost has to come out of Dear One's own little cheque book you can bet we'll have the tramping elephants for ever! It's been "deferred" until next Spring.
Had jolly good set-to with the Factor. (I ask you? How many people in this country today can list their occupation as 'Factor' and keep a straight face? I don't think Lord Grantham even has a Factor!) The wireless is not so much weak as it is nonexistent. Had to nip down to the local pub where they have real wi-fi to catch up on Facebook, email and, of course, the Street. Lovely bunch down that pub. And a frightfully good steak and kidney pie, too! As I left, Dear One was having a whinge over the cost of plumbing. The vein started throbbing. At the pub I stood in the car park with the other smokers and had a good natter. A chap called Jake won the pools and is off to Greece on a free holiday tomorrow. Made a note to self to do more pools aps. Lovely to see a bit of sun.
August 10, 2013
Dear One still trumpeting on about the outrageous cost of the proposed plumbing refit. While I was down the pub with my iPad I did a little checking. Seems that hideous modern painting in the hall of the Mausoleum is by some rather well know foreign artist Johnny. Going by my tiny bits of research, I'd say selling that ugly bit of muck would more than raise the necessary capital, allow for decent wireless and put in the hot tub I want.
Got the kitchen staff to do a Barbara Cartland worthy romantic dinner a duex. Blazing fire, candles, my low-cut black velvet gown and all the diamonds. Got the butler's toy-boy to do my roots for a small fee (and passed along the mobile number of Darrin down the pub in case he's tired of the Butler). We had all the nummies Dear One looks forward to in Scotland: Tough mutton, overcooked veg, a soup likely from a can, and oatcakes. Oatcakes at dinner? I know....I know...I know...... Well, we were getting ready to play toss the caber in the bedroom (what a hoot, by the way! Such fun! Though his poor "caber" did give it up a bit early), when I mentioned I'd done the research to see how we could pay for the "even newer loo." He was delighted. Until I explained. Got the Mother-in-law's very, very "freeze you to a pillar of salt" look. "Granny loved that painting." Bang goes the hot tub. And with the queue outside the upstairs loo for the tub being several people long, not even a chance at good long soak. Dear One announced he was sleepy so I read the chapter of Winnie the Pooh that he so loves and got him back in good humor.
August 11, 2013
Well! Talk about a pretty kettle of fish! The ex-Mrs. Randy swanned oh-so-freely into the Mother-in-law's little holiday home today. Press got excellent shots of her so I assume she tipped them off. Dear One gnashed his teeth literally all night long! No wonder Pip was in no hurry to go north. Probably rather have his prostate tickled than spend an hour with that one. Personally, I'd say, if Randy lets her live with him then it's time to move on. That's about the only thing I will give Randy--he's been so utterly supportive of his ex. Really quite a lamb about the whole thing. Like they were still married really. Does save on the child maintenance debates I'm sure. The girls have turned out just fine as far as I can tell. But for once Dear One and Pip are in complete accord. So we'll be hanging out here a little while longer.
August 12, 2013
OAPs do have a sense of humor sometimes, don't they? I was down the pub with my iPad and a pint and this old dear came up and asked me for a Cherry Brandy! What a hoot! Of course Dear One failed to see the humor when I recounted the story over tough venison and a vegetable I couldn't identify that night at dinner. Two of the most fear-inducing words in his universe are "Cherry Brandy." For those of you who have slept (or been born) since the early 60s, my dear husband was caught out hiding from the press in a pub and ordering a cherry brandy out of nerves. He was on one of those hellish trips his prison-camp boarding school so loved and made a break for it. Caught. All over the world press in minutes. Well, I gave the old Dear his due! Might not remember what his name is but he could remember that!! Can't wait to tell Pip. Likely he'll keep it going till Dear One has nightmares--Christmas present of Cherry Brandy, Cherry Brandy of the Month club, that sort of thing appeals to Pip. To think, he was in the navy. Usually it's soldiers who are fun like this!
August 13, 2013
Lovely day. Dear One and I went for a nice tramp in the rain with the dogs. So good for one, walking in the rain. At least that's what I always say. Dear One then decided we should play Scrabble. Alarm Bells went off in my brain, but I soldiered on. When I got a huge score for playing a word with a Q on a triple letter and was up 100 points, he suddenly remembered a speech he had to write.
Then Edith phoned him and we were back to whinge-land. Why does Randy's ex get noticed when his wife does all this good....blah, blah, blah. Dear One, for once had a quick thought, and assured little brother it was because Randy's ex has red hair. I howled with laughter. How idiotic! But Edith went away happy for once. Then the OTH called and they had their weekly tear-apart of the baby brothers. Andy and that cow ex of his being the gist of the OTH's thoughts. Edith and his whinging being Dear Ones....Pot calling the kettle black, I always say! But after another hour of deconstructing the OTH's hubby and the parents they were both in fine fettle. Had a lovely fish and chips from down the village shop and watched the Kumars dvd's for the billionth time, but Dear One so sweet, head nestled on my boobs, soon snoring happily as Sanjaeev and his grandmother went at it.