Saturday, June 12, 2010

Dear College Administrator,

Dear Sir or Madam,

Attached please find my son's high school transcript. Such documents do serve a purpose, but in the end aren't very conducive to spotting the high level of talent and ability your University is known for admitting. Therefore, please consider the following accomplishments in making your decision on admitting P.--it will soon become obvious to you that he will be a true star on your campus!

Physical Science: P applied the knowledge gleaned from this course on electricity to create and successfully use his own homemade tatooing device. [Photo and diagram of device attached, as is a photo of each tatoo.] (Yes, I did take off for not using his God-given artistic abilities in designing his actual home-done tatoos.) I'm not positive your curriculum extends to technical skills such as electrician's work, but if it does, perhaps a teeny elective credit for this? I realize his tatooing skills are not yet certifiable and appreciate there is a distinction between credit earned and fantasy credits.

English 9: P applied his life-long love of poetry to write numerous Rap lyrics. It isn't just anyone who can make some of those words rhyme, so please consider him for Honors Creative Writing, meanwhile I'm sure it's safe to award him credit for Intro to the Writing of Poetry

Nature Study: In addition to normal science, P has actively studied Nature for years. Thanks to going into shock following a sting at age 10, he can now clearly identify any bee, wasp or similar insect as far as one mile off and take protective precautions in a time-frame that would thrill a Marine D.I. Surely this will do for Entomology 101? In addition he has successfully mapped all locations of Poison Ivy, Poison Oak and Poison Sumac in X County Ohio. I know the State Wildlife Service will be grateful for this! What say we call it credit for an elective in Flora and Fauna of the Ohio River Valley? Again, photos are attached for your convenience.

Basic Business Communications: P has entirely mastered the art of social networking. The colorful vernacular of his MySpace page is meant as a compliment to his favorite rap stars--for whom he soon hopes to write lyrics. I call this just plain clever! He should be given immediate credit for Marketing 101.

Bible: P is not a force-fed Bible Scholar! Instead, his love of so-called "gangsta rap" music has led him to see if verses spouted by such rappers are "real." He has actually been found with his nose in the N.I.V. and has even read beyond the quoted verse. Pretty sure you'll agree this adds up to credit for Intro to Lit of the Bible.

Human Anatomy: P has successfully identified those areas of the body best for self-piercing. That ridiculous counselor he saw somehow equated this with the bizzare pracitce of "cutting!" How absurd--this is artistic statement after all!!! Better still, he correctly cared for each piercing insuring no infection. We can truthfully call this Basic Human Anatomy for 3 credits, I'm sure. In case you need them, photos are attached.

Thank you for your consideration of my son's application. It isn't every administrator who can spot pure genius and nurture it into a high-earning alum--is it?


P's Mom


Jeanne said...

Oh, P's mum, I shouldn't be laughing, but I am. You are so funny sometimes...even if P is not!!

Hopewell said...

P IS funny--just not always when he tries to be!

Leonie said...

Oh, gorgeous!!